Tabula Rasa

I have had a very trying year. I have had a very difficult life and I keep it mostly to myself and my "other half". Unfortunately, I do not have anyone that I feel a connection to so strong to bear the weight of my depression. Most of my "friends" would say that I'm not depressed... that I am perfectly happy and grounded. They may say that I'm secure and patient and that my life, overall, is well put together. The truth is, I don't really have many "friends" in the purest sense of the word.

Most of the people in my life that I call "friend" are really nothing more that an acquaintance or ally. Most who read those words may think that I'm putting down these people or that I do not hold them in high regards, but that is definitely not the case. I think that these people are some of the most kind, open-minded and giving people that I have come to know in my life. That still doesn't make a person a friend. I trust these people and they have all earned a special place in my heart.

So, "Why?" you ask. Why do I not consider these people friends? Other than my "other half" and possibly my mother, I haven't had a real friend in years. I feel that a friend is someone that you can confide in your darkest and deepest secrets, thoughts and emotions. I've never really opened up to any of these people in my life. None of them really know me or understand me, though I'm sure some of them "think" that they know me. None of them do. Sometimes, I wonder if even I truly understand myself.

I learned at a young age that some people at their core are evil. I also learned at a young age that some of the most amazing and important people in your life may be given the most horrible circumstances to overcome. I learned that "they" are right when they say "life isn't fair." I did, however, not learn until in my 20's that my parents were just people like me and not superheroes that could accomplish anything in the blink of an eye. Were we all like this? Did we all live our childhood under a veil of magical daydreams and assumptions about the abilities of your parents?

I thought that a "Mom" was just made a "Mom" and that "Mom's" were special kinds of creatures that had abilities that most other people couldn't do. And the same of "Dad's". If you weren't created a "Dad", then you couldn't build anything, fix anything, or do anything that "Dad's" were able to do. It's like they went to school to learn how to do EVERYTHING! I know that many people weren't given childhoods like this. My other half had a faulty "Dad"... I think that model should have been recalled... he was broken.

My parents made me feel like they could do and WOULD do anything for me if I really needed it. And don't go thinking that I was a spoiled little brat that got everything. It wasn't exactly like that. They definitely raised me to understand the differences between wanting something and truly needing it. Still to this day I have trouble differentiating the two, especially when it comes to shoes.

So, if my parents gave me such a good life, where did things go wrong and how come I don't have any real friends now? I'm still waiting on the answer to that myself. I just don't feel like I connect to people. I have been struggling with a horrible pain killer addiction for most of my life. It has nearly cost me my life and I just cannot get away from it. It certainly doesn't help that I suffer with ailments causing severe pain.

Most of the "friends" around here don't know that I still have the problem, nor do they really understand it. They think that I used to do alot of drugs... that's basically what people think when they don't understand addiction. I do have a girlfriend that I have always thought (for the last 7 years at least) was a true friend. I called her a few nights ago to ask for help. I told her that I needed her help. I explained that I've tried and I just cannot do it on my own. Her response was something along the lines of "Well, you guys just keep doing it. I can't come over there and take your keys and not let you go anywhere." Actually.... um, hello... YES, YOU CAN!!! That's exactly what you're supposed to do. Well, that's what friends are supposed to do anyways.

I think people who don't understand addiction and have never seen anyone go through addiction and withdrawals have some idea that you're just partying too much and have a self control issue. They cannot seem to understand that it's a chemical addiction that you're body and brain do not perform correctly without. This is the kind of shit we REALLY need to be teaching our youths. The damned "Just Say No" campaign has been going on for over a decade and our youths still do not understand drug habits or addictions.

They don't understand, obviously, about prescription medicines and that some of those are synthesised versions of street dope like heroin or opiates. The truth is I believe that most towns have a worse problem on the street with prescriptions drugs that they do with your typical street drugs like heroin, cocaine and crack, or pcp. Our school systems need to teach kids that people have been know to take certain drugs and then kill their friends and eat their insides (pcp... look it up... I'm for real).

We're so worried teaching history and shakespeare, that we forget to tell kids about the shit that really matters: drugs, credit scores/finances, and relationships. These 3 things alone have been destroying families in america for forever and everyone running the show keeps ignoring them and paying too much damn attention to raising our taxes and going to war. Our countries decisions (namely, our presidents decisions) over the past five years are going to impact our families and descendents for decades to come. I fear what may happen in the days to come once of decision to carry out a death sentence for Sadaam is being carried out.

Now I feel as though my worries about not having any trues friends doesn't warrant much attention. I am depressed for my own personal, self-centered, egocentric reasons. I am needy and feel I have no one to turn to. This year I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. I had been diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis several years ago, but the large amounts of steroids were too much and discontinued. I started taking the combination Interferon and Ribavirin treatment... purest form of legal torture currently known to man.

I gathered "friends" together to tell everyone that I would be starting the treatment and that I would be really sick and that I would probably not be hanging out as much. Everyone gave big hugs and said that everything would be okay. Boy, were we wrong. Nothing has been the same since then. I had two balding spots that were bare as a babies butt, as "they" say. My left side was thinning really bad. I have some cute little pictures I'll post. I used to have really long har and it quickly went to short straight hair. It was definitely my security blanket since my typically thick locks seemed to be getting thinner every time I washed my hair.

My skin was aweful. I had open sores everywhere and had two moles literally fall off of my body. My immune was so out of whack and I was so anemic with so little white blood cells that my body couldn't fight off infections. I was getting horrible, dibilitating headaches and body aches. The day after I took my shot, I just laid on the couch or somewhere. They said that my body would get used to it... they lied.

I would get fevers regularly, so when I suffered from an on-again-off-again fever of 103-104, I wasn't really alarmed. I just assumed it was the medicine making me sick. I mean, by this time, I wasn't even working, because I was so sick all of the time. I just didn't really get suprised by much when it came to my body back then.

Well, that fever turned into a horrible infection that nearly took my life. The following week, I was in the hospital being rush from one test to another and 3 out of 4 of my limbs where swollen so bad that my skin had cracked in a couple of places. I couldn't move because of the pain. Once the infection got into my blood and heart, I could barely do anything except my eyes without hurting myself.

I couldn't walk for over a week. I would have never thought at barely 30 years old that I would be on a walking with physical therapist teaching me how to walk, get in and out of bed, sit up, and even use the bathroom. It just didn't seem right that someone my age were going through that. It seems as though I say that often, "someone my age shouldn't have to go through that."

Aside from my own egocentric realm of depression, the world just sucks right now. Our planet and our country is in sickening shape and fighting for survival. I am immensely sad about the state of our country, our families, our children and our planet. We are destroying our earth and most of us do not seem to care. It saddens me to know how little we do not care about the state of things. As a whole (meaning the United States, in general) are paying so much attention to the Louis Vuitton's of the world instead of the Nelson Mandela's. Can you believe that it was just a little over a decade ago that South Africa was freed from apartheid or less that two decades that the Berlin Wall came down? These are critical parts of our planet's history that have happened in my decade.